I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
