It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
