Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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