Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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