I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
