She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
