Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
