and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
