Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
