Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
