You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
