My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
