The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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