Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
