Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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