Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
