apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
