i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
