He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
