Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
