I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
