Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
