Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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