I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
