i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
