Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
