we have officially lost it.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
