Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
