I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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