Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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