I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
