I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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