I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
