Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
