a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
