i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
