I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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