In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
honey bunches of taint.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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