3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
