we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
