At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
