grandma shit on top of the toilet
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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