So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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