he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
