Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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