If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
