More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
