First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
