Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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