got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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