getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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