First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
